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Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Dear HBO GO

Dear HBO GO,

            Your service is shit, let’s face it. 

Nothing loads well the first time, and the second requires a hard reboot.

The servers crash when a new episode of True Detective comes on.

Game of Thrones loses sound at absolutely crucial moments for no discernible reason. 

And I can only get your service through a smart TV or a gaming console!

            Look, HBO.  You already have a monopoly on the only watchable television out there; your only major competitor is Netflix, and they’ll run out of funding on their $8/month far before you ever will.  So why on earth would you not fix these issues so using GO is actually pleasurable??

            You and I both know I paid a lot, I repeat a LOT, of money for my Roku 3.  And yet you refuse to let GO stream on it?? I’m your target audience: nerds who spend a lot of time in front of the TV or on the Internet.  You know I’m going to be buying what you’re selling, so why make it painful for all of us? 

            Don’t get me wrong: I’m super grateful I no longer have to get cable in order to watch HBO stuff.  I gave up cable years ago when Netflix got huge and have never looked back, except to wonder about all the cool stuff I was missing on HBO.  Waiting 8 months to get the next Game of Thrones season from the library, or paying far too much to buy the box set of Sex and the City was bad enough – I was on board with HBO streaming from the start. 

            Until I found out I needed a Smart TV for it to be any good at all. 

            My husband owns just about every gaming console known to nerds, so I can get GO, no worries.  But it’s shit! (As I may have mentioned.) On top of those issues, the hi-def quality is just not there, and the buffering time required for that means that by the time I can get an episode to actually load in 1080p, the spoilers and/or questions about what the fuck, exactly, is happening on this episode of True Detective are already blowing up my phone.   

            I’m not going to run out and buy a Smart TV -- and it has to be an LG one?? Fuck that! -- for a thousand dollars just to watch The Brink – for that kind of money, I’ll suck it up and torrent it, shit quality and all.  So why, when you are losing potential customers, make GO exclusive to certain devices??

            And really: shows that don’t buffer when paused?? Even YouTube does that now; hell, even SchoolTube (the ‘kid friendly’ version of YouTube where you won’t accidentally see a tit or hear someone yelling “die, motherfucker!” in the background) does that now!

            Even worse: What am I supposed to do when said non-buffering app crashes in the middle of someone important’s death? I worship Game of Thrones; each lost second means someone else could die! And I have to scroll all the way through the entire 47 minutes until that point, wait for all that to back-buffer, and then once the video finally shows up again… the sound goes AWOL. 

            Maybe it’s a good thing I didn’t buy that Smart TV because there are times I want to throw whatever GO streaming device I’m using out the window. 

            I’d drop your service, but hey, I’m watching it on my in-laws’ subscription anyway, so I guess really I can’t complain.  Or at least, not too loudly.  Really, since I’m not paying for it… why should you care?

            Sincerely,

            Will Never Pay For My Own Subscription 

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