Fanfiction Confliction, Part 2

About six months ago, I gave in.

I'd been fighting it for months, trying hard not to be one of those people.  I gave it my best effort, I really did.

But I was powerless to resist.

I started writing fanfiction.

It started small -- I'm a writer by nature (I bet you couldn't tell! #sarcasm), and I spent most of early 2015 world-building in preparation for a bigger project.  When I started writing fiction for the first time soon after, I realized something: I needed practice.

I hadn't written fiction in probably 6 or 7 years, and while I had lots of nonfiction writing experience, the skills just aren't the same.

This was probably in July.

I started small: a short story, only about 2,000 words, that was a character study of my forever favorite DAI Commander.  That turned out well, if a little serious, so I took on some humor via Alistair in DAO.   And before long, I found that I was enjoying myself immensely in creating these new scenes, new moments, within my characters' lives.

I spent the first 10K words or so laboring under the illusion that I was just practicing styles for my bigger fiction writing projects, telling myself that as soon as I finished the next story, I was putting fanfiction away and moving on with my own work.

That didn't happen.  Instead suddenly I found myself so immersed in Bioware's Dragon Age sandbox that I couldn't get back out -- and I didn't want to.  I loved my Inquisitor, and I loved the story I was creating inside DAI:  the relationships I was growing, the conflicts I'd created, and exploring the themes of the game and its story in such depth and detail.

So now, when I'm writing this, I'm finally accepting that I'm a fanfiction writer.  It took a long time, and many thousands of words before I was willing to add that to my list of accomplishments on this particular blog -- about two weeks ago, I officially broke 100K words, and this is the first mention I've made of my fanfic hobby to anyone other than my husband.

But I'm ready.

(That's not totally true; I'm still a little hesitant.  But honestly, that's not because I'm ashamed of my work, but because my mom reads this blog sometimes and frankly, several of my stories are quite Not Safe for Work.  At all.  Like, explicitly NSFW.  Adult content ahead.  You've been warned.

Mom, if you're reading this, please skip all the ones rated "E" :-/

Anyway.)

Below, you'll find a link to my work, all of which is posted through Archive of Our Own.  I know there are other, bigger, fanfic sites out there, but AO3 is my favorite, and I'm proud to be part of their community.

Without further ado, and in the spirit of celebrating International Fanworks Day today, I give you: Once More to the Breach, my Shakespeare-allusion-titled series about Dragon Age: Inquisition.
Please enjoy, and thanks for reading!!

FanFiction Confliction

In a haze of events involving my recent fascination with Greg Ellis, I stumbled upon a blog belonging to someone even more obsessed with Cullen Rutherford of Inquisition fame than I am. 

As I wound my way through this blog, including a myriad of pictures and drawings from around the Internet that indicated high-levels of obsession, I was only mildly surprised to find the occasional piece of fanfiction.  I’ve never been one for the practice myself, but I do like to read and I certainly do love Cullen, so I decided to give it a shot.  Why not, right?

What a glorious mistake that was!

Within minutes I was scrolling through this blog as fast as I could, looking for the next post about her version of the Inquisitor x Cullen relationship.  Within hours I was on a fanfiction site called Archive of Our Own, a beta entirely devoted to the craft, and digging through DA:I tagged stories for more. And within days, I not only had my own account on AO3, but I also had poured hours of my life into reading multiple novel-length stories, each creating their own imagined worlds of what Inquisition looks like when the game isn’t running. 

I’ve had such specific, negative ideas about fanfiction for so long that I’m experiencing quite a bit of guilt and/or shame as I read.  And enjoy myself, to my surprise. 

I love to read.  I do it voraciously, endlessly, lost in whatever story I’ve found.  And in the past year, I haven’t done it nearly enough. 

Instead, I’ve been playing video games. 

It’s not a change I regret, per se.  I’m not upset I’ve embraced gaming, nor am I unsatisfied by the games I’ve played.  It’s just... all the time I’ve been playing games (we’re talking hundreds of hours here), I could have been reading.  I could have made that choice, but I didn’t. 

It’s not like I haven’t read at all; hell, in 2014 I read 42 books, so I’m not slacking! But how many more could I have read with an extra 300 hours to spare?

In a way, fanfiction has revived this love – I’ve still been reading, of course, but now I’ve read something like 15 novel-length pieces in less than a month, and I didn’t even turn Inquisition ON between roughly March 7^th and April 10^th.  I know that’s only a few weeks, but it feels like a lifetime when you compare just how much time I’d played it between Jan 2^nd and now (~160 hours…). 

I have thrown myself into this world with abandon, and I have no regrets. 

I have, however, discovered just how cruel a place the Internet can be. 

Sure, the Internet isn’t necessary the most warm, fuzzy community.   But if you steer clear of certain conversations and sites, you’re usually in the clear – I blog here, but I’m not really involved in many online communities. 

The fanfiction community, however, is one I’m getting on board with, and my god! The cruelty of cliffhangers is absolutely horrific!

Since most of these stories are Works in Progress, I am constantly on edge about what’s going to happen next – we’re talking probably 14 out of the 17 stories I’m currently reading are finished, and there are even more novel-length ones (50K words or more) that I’ve just had to give up on them ever updating.  Some of them I’ve been stalking, reading through comments or notes or finding other stuff they’ve written to see if they’re *ever* going to come back to whatever version of Thedas or Mass Effect or others they’ve created.  And when they are straight up discontinued, as has happened… ugh, it’s awful.  I have so many emotions wrapped up in these characters already, and then to find that the story that was JUST HEATING UP will NEVER AGAIN UPDATE??? I can’t deal with it.  *deep breaths till I feel better*

It’s easy to tell that all these fanfic writers are reading each other’s work, so at least we’re all suffering cliffhangers together.  Too many repeated verbs or phrases across stories gives that poorly-kept secret away: fingers ‘rasping’ across skin or armor, desire ‘pooling’ in bellies as things turn slutty, callouses or fingers discussed at length, and so on.  (Sometimes those word choices are hilariously mis-used; the phrase “Cullen fisted his hand into the Inquisitor’s hair” shows up in TONS of stories where things start to get heated, and every time, I can’t help but laugh.  That is SO not what people think when they hear that verb, I’m sorry. I don’t care how innocent your mind -- that word means one thing, and it ain’t hands in hair.)

There’s more of a community than I ever expected.  When late nights of reading finally started to catch up with me and I could barely keep my eyes open, I started searching tumblr for these same authors, these writers with similar DA:I/Cullenite tendencies.  Before long, my brain was wide awake again, flooded with every conceivable type of drawing, painting, gif, you name it, about Cullen and the artist’s Inquisitor.  Flooded with images is hardly the phrase for what I encountered – more like a tsunami – and there, that connection these people had was easy to see.  I started to recognize tags, names, drawings that had accompanied stories on AO3.  Soon, I noticed collaborations and commissions, all delving into this rich Bioware creation and the subsequent ideas that people have developed around him (him being Cullen Rutherford, in case that wasn’t clear). 

It was a community I never expected, and one that I’m happy to explore.  In a life where few of my friends play games, and even fewer understand the obsessions I develop over them (or anything else, really), I’m excited to have a place to venture too and continue the Inquisition’s adventures. 

I have yet to try my own hand at this, but Bishop insists it’s coming.  I’ve already realized (in a moment of shame) that *MY* version of Cullen would definitely smoke (and he’d get the cigarettes from Varric, because duh!)… 

Oh my god, that’s how it starts…  

Life is Never THAT Dramatic, Part 2: Romance

I’ve played a fair number of games – not a TON, but for having been a gamer for around 18 months, a fair number:  the Mass Effect Trilogy, Dragon Age: Origins and Inquisition, Skyrim, Assassin’s Creed, the Witcher 2, Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning, WoW, and some others, including strategy and turn-based games like Civilization V.  Of those, my favorites have always been Bioware (ME and DA) because I love their RPG and romance options so much. 

I have written about some of these romances before.  If you regularly visit this blog (and if so, thank you!), you’ve read about my undying love for Garrus and his desperate romance with Shepard, along with the unparalleled affection I have for Alistair and his romance with the Hero of Ferelden, which is so damn adorable that I have no words to describe it (they’re still together when you meet Alistair in Inquisition, just FYI. *squee!*)

Whoops. I just realized that might be considered a spoiler.  Perhaps just assume that I’m going to spoil things here, because I don’t think I can talk about Inquisition without giving something away.

Anyway! Whilst running about saving the world, enjoying an escape from my everyday life, it seems I inadvertently joined a group known as the “Cullenites.”  (And no, thank god, I’m not talking about the vampire.)

I wrote about Cullen not that long ago, when he was just the smug leader of the Inquisition’s military forces.  At the time, I was upset about my lack of choices for my Inquisitor to romance, and the more research I did, the more upset I became.  After all: Dorian is gay, Iron Bull is terrifying, Sera is super dumb, Blackwall is old, and Solas will only romance you if you’re an elf, which I am not.  I didn’t realize it when I wrote before, but Cullen was really my only option – nothing else was going to work.  I spent the first 15 hours or so of the game flirting with anyone at all, irritated that I wasn’t getting anywhere. 

But as soon as Haven imploded and the Inquisition marched to Skyhold, things started to change. 

First, a hymn, started by Mother Giselle but picked up by everyone. As Cullen closes his eyes to sing, as the incredible voice of Greg Ellis, his voice actor, pours out, I melt. 

Soon, a chess match between Cullen and Dorian, which the Inquisitor crashes before Cullen offers a game.  Nothing more special than chatting happens, but the spark of their romance flickers into being amidst smiles and innocent comments of spending time together. 

Then, a kiss.  Ooo, that spine-tingling kiss.

It starts so awkwardly, with Cullen trying to make conversation about the weather and the Inquisitor not paying even the slightest bit of attention.  As soon as she starts to open up though, and the possibilities start to solidify, Cullen responds – a slow lean in reminiscent of all good first kisses. 

Until they are interrupted. 

One of the running jokes of the game (and their relationship) is that Cullen has no ability to stop working at all, so when a scout comes looking for him to deliver a report and catches them off-guard, I laughed out loud.  Cullen turns to the scout and snaps “WHAT!” whereupon the scout realizes that the Inquisitor won’t even make eye contact, she’s so embarrassed.  He backs away going “to your office… right…” while Cullen just glowers at him, too pissed off to speak. 

As he leaves, the Inquisitor loses her sense of certainty, giving Cullen an out by saying, “If you have other things to do…” and trailing off, fidgeting and staring at the ground. 

And he pounces.

An intense, drawn-out, sexy kiss ensues, one where all the future possibilities take shape.

That’s when my reaction to Cullen started to change.   

Here’s the thing: I never buy games when they first come out. I haven’t had much opportunity anyway, but I also can’t stomach paying $60 for a game.  The only reason I own Inquisition already, when it came out less than four months ago, is because someone gave it to me for Christmas. 

So this time, this playing a game in its first few months, was totally new, and deep down, I was hoping that I was the first to discover Cullen. 

I know, in my heart, that this is stupid; I’m sure there were people who played the game all in its first 3-5 days, and from what I’ve read online, some people have been in love with Cullen since his very small role in Origins, where he’s been tortured and tries to convince you to kill all the mages in Broken Circle.  (They’ve changed his hair color and shaved his goatee since then, thank god; I didn’t even realize it was the same guy).  I also have a tendency to fall in love with the popular characters for Bioware games – Garrus and Alistair come to mind. 

Even so, I wanted Cullen all to myself.  Especially after that kiss…

I think Cullen has the most depth of any video game character I’ve ever encountered.  He grows and changes and struggles with himself throughout the game, something Garrus and Alistair never really did. 

Garrus is much darker; so much has gone badly for him and he is so desperate for things with Shepard to go right.  His character, while deep, is pretty malleable.  He might struggle in the first game to find himself outside C-Sec, and he definitely has some moral issues in ME2, but the decisions he makes and the character he becomes largely depend on how Shepard interacts with him.  Since I played as a paragon Shepard, he does experience a fair bit of growth, but (as much as I love him, and I really do) it always seemed a little manipulated.  He’s still the sexiest romance option by far though.  That voice…

And Alistair… Alistair is so freaking cute, so cuddly, that it’s hard to imagine him as having any darkness to his life.  He’s easy to understand: he is committed to the Grey Wardens, doesn’t want to be king but respects his duty if it comes to that, and loves to make sarcastic remarks and fight monsters with the Hero.  They are both great characters, ones that leap off the screen with a life of their own. 

But they aren’t like Cullen. 

Cullen is more like a real person.  He’s not overly handsome, first and foremost. He’s not ugly, that’s for sure, but he’s realistic: he’s got a long scar through one side of his lip, his eyes are brown instead of blue or green, and when he’s distressed, his face contorts into all sorts of ugly visages, much like a real person.  He punches things when he’s upset and stumbles over his words when he’s nervous, and he fights through a lot of internal conflict over his feelings about mages and their fates.  In ways that usually can’t happen outside novels, where there is the space for it, Cullen is real. 

This is how I managed to develop a crush on an NPC. 

The official romance scene between the Inquisitor and Cullen – read: the sex scene – is so amazing, it takes my breath away.  There’s a lot of really cute, unsteady dialogue to start, as Cullen is thinking about the future but doesn’t want to assume the Inquisitor thinks about him the same way.  As that unfolds, you can either break things off (which I did once just to see it, and it’s heartbreaking) or choose Romance; when that happens, the Inquisitor wedges herself between Cullen and his desk, where he’s retreated to protect himself, and literally says, “Cullen. Do you have to ask?” which is obviously to his delight.  He starts to lean in but she accidentally knocks a glass bottle off the desk, where it shatters on the stone floor.  For a moment, both are surprised; Cullen even shakes his head and gives a little smirk like “really?” before sweeping everything else off too and pulling the Inquisitor into his arms for a slow descent onto the desk. 

This is all absolutely super cute: Cullen is so unsure and scared but also so hopeful, and the Inquisitor is basically not giving in to the game, instead choosing to leap in and commit, knowing what she wants.  Adorable.  But from there, the realism of the scene is incredible.  As Cullen and the Inquisitor lay down, Inquisitor on her back with Cullen above her, everything happens as it really would.  The Inquisitor has to wiggle her butt onto the desk so that when they end up horizontal, they’ll be face to face, and Cullen leans as far as he can but has to catch himself on one hand on the table as he crawls on top of her.  There’s a flash of thigh movement as the Inquisitor wraps her legs around him, and she even gives him a little “come here” wave to kiss her once she gets situated on the desk.  The last, incredibly sexy thing you see before it fades to black is Cullen’s weight settling onto her as they finally come together.  I know that might not sound sexy, but it absolutely is – how real it feels, but also in how tender and gradual it is, like he wants to throw himself on her but is maintaining the tiniest bit of restraint.  There’s also a sense of relief that they are finally together -- the two smile the whole time, like they just can’t imagine being anywhere else, with anyone else.  It’s the sweetest, sexiest thing I think I’ve ever seen in a video game.  How I could watch this and NOT end up with a crush on Cullen is beyond me. 

Their morning after is sweet too.  The Inquisitor is up and dressed, tying up her boots, but Cullen is sleeping just behind her (with her body strategically blocking his nakedness).  I didn’t quite realize at first, but Cullen is having a lyrium-withdrawal nightmare – he’s breathing hard, like he’s terrified, and muttering “no” and “leave me” to his tormentors.  When the Inquisitor leans over, he wakes with a horrifyingly real start, one everyone has experienced, scanning the room in terror and only very slowly realizing he’s okay. 

Within moments, he’s frustrated that he’s worried the Inquisitor. Throughout the romance cut scenes, he’s been trying so hard to be strong and not put any additional work on her, and if you choose one option in an earlier scene, he offers to do anything he can to help her.  Here, he’s trying to regain that.  I choose the “Hey, it’s okay for me to worry” option each time, because the chuckle he gives as he realizes that’s part of being together is just so endearing. 

From there, Greg Ellis, his voice actor, deserves an Oscar or something.  Cullen leans in to rest his forehead again yours, saying softly that he’s “never felt anything like this,” and I choke up every time.  The actor does such an amazing job; the emotion he evokes takes me back to my husband and I’s third date, when we first admitted we were falling in love with each other and probably said something similar to Cullen here.  That a game can inspire that…  unbelievable. 

I think this is why I am so defensive about Cullen, why I don’t want anyone else to have the same game-play experience as me.  Obviously they do; Cullen is an NPC, he says the same stuff to anyone who romances him! But I feel so connected to my Inquisitor that it’s like these scenes are really happening to me.  That’s part of the temptation of video games: I have the chance to put myself into that situation, no matter what it is, in a way I don’t have when reading a book or watching a movie.  The game immerses me; I feel, on some level, that I am the Inquisitor.  Since he’s the Inquisitor’s in the game, obviously I want him to be all mine too – a silly fantasy I know is impossible, but I keep hoping anyway.  I don’t want to share him with the rest of the Cullenites J

So many other scenes inspire this same selfish feeling.  When Cullen tries to give up lyrium, when he takes you to visit his childhood home, when you dance at the Orlesian ball or embrace just before the end… They are all wonderful.  It makes perfect sense: when life is this demanding, this dramatic and threatening, each stolen moment feels passionate and desperate together, and I love it.