N7 Day

It's weird to be a Mass Effect fangirl and share my birthday with N7 Day.

I never even knew there WAS an N7 day until after I got my Mass Effect tattoo -- which of course features the N7 logo straight from my femShep's gear.  When I had it done and people questioned the wisdom of getting a video game tattoo, I just sort of shrugged and went, "Oh, if someday I hate the game, then the tat will just be for my birthday!"

It never occurred to me that Bioware had already appropriated that day for its own purposes.

Then November 2014 rolled around, and the Internet (or, at least the pages I was frequenting), blew up with N7 ads for merch, Gaming Heads statues, and so on.

I felt so lucky.  Now, I have yet another reason to love on Mass Effect.  I had lots -- I follow both Bioware and Mass Effect (and Dragon Age, as if anyone's surprised) on social media, for goodness' sake -- but now I had another! The sales! The promotions! The outpouring of love for my favorite game series!

Of course, I get weird looks when I'm more excited for N7 Day than I am for November 7th, my birthday, but I don't care.

I'm not one of those people who loves their birthday.  Sure, they were a blast when I was a kid, but once I started to grow up, I just didn't have that kind of life that fosters an obsession with the anniversary of the day I was born.  I've never cared that much -- I've spent too many birthdays stressed out over schedules of how many hours I'm spending with each parent so my time is divided equally, per the divorce 'rules,' to get overly excited.  Nor have I, as a blossoming adult, ever found good reason to get too excited when history says that I'm going to be tired, pressured into hanging out with people I don't want to see, and receiving domestic-style gifts (like the memorable instance when, on my 21st birthday, my mom gave me a brownie pan and a recipe book.  Fun.).

Bishop knows all this, and thankfully he's a strong advocate for the "do whatever the fuck you want for your birthday" school of thought.  If I'm stressing out, he cancels plans with my family.  If I'm up for it, he tags along to every single event.  I think that in part, he agreed to getting married in early November just to give me something more exciting to celebrate than my birthday.

If only we'd known that all he had to do was introduce me to Shepard and her story, and I'd have been all over November 7th.

Of course, now that I've discovered Mass Effect, Bishop has taken that love to heart on N7 day, and he spoils me rotten -- mostly by handing over his "Equinox's Birthday Present Budget" to me and letting me go nuts on the Bioware Store's enormous Mass Effect-themed sale.

Come N7 Day 2016, I'll be decked out in ME shit and fit to party with the most hardcore of fans.

I love this day -- there are times when I feel isolated as a ME fan because too many of my fellow nerd friends hate ME3 and have thus abandoned the series.  I've been teased for my Spectre t-shirt in Kaiden Alenko blue and yellow, and despite how cool my to-scale Gaming Heads statue of Garrus is, non-nerds still give me funny looks and eye rolls over how much I was willing to spend to house a model of my favorite turian.

They'll laugh even harder when Tali arrives, I'm sure.

N7 Day gives me the chance to embrace my love of Mass Effect with fans all around the world, and I love it.  I can't wait for the saga to continue next year -- to Andromeda and beyond.

The Fangirl Freebie Five

My “freebie” list poses pretty much no danger to my husband and I’s relationship.  Lots of people have these lists -- those five people you can sleep with, guilt-free, should the opportunity arise -- and in my experience, most of them seem to be like mine: a fun conversation, but not real in terms of actual sex occurring.  I know I’d be pissed if Bishop slept with anyone else, Scarlett Johansson or otherwise, freebie list or otherwise, and I imagine he’d feel about the same.  

In theory, I supposed he could feel threatened, like I was out trolling for some celebrity, or like I’m trying to suggest he get in better shape or something via a girl trap.  

However, that risk is pretty low considering my list is populated entirely by fictional characters.  

So, thanks to extensive thought and research, I present my “freebie five,” in no particular order. 

1. Aragorn from The Lord of the Rings. 

Ah, Aragorn! I do love this man (and I don’t just mean the Viggo Mortensen version from the movies).  He’s such a great character! So independent and mysterious as Strider, the Ranger from the North, and so dark – his world is quietly adventure-filled, lived in the shadows but dripping with potential for greatness.  And when he starts to take control of his destiny… that hesitation he displays, like he knows what he’s meant for but he’s not sure he can handle it, being Isildur’s Heir, is wonderful.  He’s such a positive, empowering character – he learns to embrace his life, his fate, even as he battles the darkness settling in around (and within) him.

2. Iron Man

Let’s face it, this one is all about Robert Downey Jr.’s Iron Man, not the comic books.  I just love him, and if he were real, I would gladly be one of those random women he hooks up with, provided he agreed to at least wear the Iron Man mask (the rest might be a little …restrictive).  I’m not normally that kind of person in my real life, but I do adore his self-centered quips and crazy antics. He’s not marriage material – sorry, Pepper Potts! – but just once, for fun? Done. 

3. Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock, love of my fictional life! While Sherlock Holmes in almost any form is on the list here, my top choice would have to be the Benedict Cumberbatch iteration.  Benedict Cumberbatch himself should very possibly be on this list too… hm….

Um... yum. That's all I've got to say. 

4.  Malcolm Reynolds, captain of the Firefly Serenity

I’ve thought about swapping out Mal for the man himself, Nathan Fillion, since I love him as Rick Castle too, but I don’t think there’s a lot of potential there.  I’d be willing to if I thought it was a legit possibility (in as much as any of this is ‘legit’), but I’ve met Nathan Fillion in a haze of glorious nerd-gasms, and sadly, the opportunity did not arise.  So I’m sticking with Mal, because the fictional possibilities are more fun to plunder than the sad reality that it’s not going to happen with Fillion. 

Can we talk about this smirk? Please tell me we can talk about this smirk. 

5. … I had trouble thinking of #5. 

The space was blank for a long time as I pondered the choices. 

My first thought is to put Garrus from Mass Effect on there, or Cullen from Dragon Age: Inquisition, but I absolutely cannot pick between those two, so they’re both out.  Bishop would understand and let me have both, if it came to that :)  

I think he’d understand about Alistair too, so he’s also out.  In fictional terms, I’ve already “done it” with these characters due to how Bioware writes their games, so I guess none of them belong on the list in the first place.  But if I start second-guessing the creation of a freebie list with fictional characters, this is all going to fall apart, so I’m not going to pick at that thread.  

I wondered too if Hellsing’s Alucard belongs on this list, given my desperate love for all his vampire glory. But deep down… Alucard scares the shit outta me.  He is straight-up terrifying, and as much as I love him, I don’t think that’s the way I’d want this “freebie” to go down. 

I’ve already written about how Edward Elric from Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood is now wildly inappropriate due to our age differences, so I won’t rehash that here. 

I also considered Chris Pine as Captain Kirk in the Star Trek reboot, and I have to say, I almost got stuck there.  He’s a great character, born from decades of backstory and canon to draw upon, and I think Chris Pine doesn’t get nearly the acting credit he deserves either.  His character has so much depth, despite his shield of immaturity and humor, that he is someone I could definitely get behind. Or under, as the case may be ;) 

However, after much deliberation, I have to say that my #5 is actually Thorin Oakenshield, as played exclusively by Richard Armitage.  Just…. Mm, just yum.  I’ve got little else driving this point other than pure lust, seeing as Oakenshield as a character can be rather despicable at times (despite his noble intentions).  But Armitage as him, with that deep thrumming voice, blue eyes, and long hair… that just does things for me. 

Look at the BURN in those eyes… and his hair, oh how I love his hair.

Upon reviewing this list, I’m not sure my husband legitimately has much to worry about.  Say, by some beautiful miracle, all these guys were real and actual possibilities… *long pause while I bask in the amazing of that universe* All these guys have something, some characteristic, in common with my wonderful husband, and so I still have trouble seeing anything really happening. 

Sherlock, Thorin, Mal, and Aragorn all have the dark hair and blue eyes that my husband has.  Mal, Iron Man, and Sherlock all have that touch of humor I love so much about him. Thorin, Mal, and Aragorn all have that insane loyalty that tells me my husband would go to the ends of the earth for me.  Iron Man has that playful edge that makes my husband a perfect fit for me, and Sherlock, though way too smart, has the same kind of crazy intelligence that means my husband and I can argue about pointless theoretical topics for hours at a time, bickering all the while. 

And most of my back-ups have something too – Alucard may be too intense and Elric may be too young, but Kirk is adventurous and just a little bit nuts, Garrus is devoted and sexy to a fault, Alistair is sarcastic and hilarious and snuggle-able, and Cullen is careful and serious and faithful to the cause. 

What it boils down to is that I love my husband for being human, which means that, even though I’d love to mentally play with the possibilities, none of my freebie five could quite measure up.

Alistair does have some serious abs though…. Maybe Bishop can work on that ;)

The End of Mass Effect (*Spoilers!*)

I'm about to finish my second play-through of Mass Effect 3, and I really, really don't want to do it.

I've done it before.  Most likely, I'll do it again eventually.  But the ending crushes me every time -- last time, the first time, I ended up sitting in bed, unable to sleep and occasionally crying, over the gut-wrenching agony of the end.  That probably won't happen this time; I'm better prepared, having done it before. Last time I knew what was going to happen though and I still lost it.

The ending is always catastrophic, no matter which end I choose or how my actions play out.
I know, I know, there was a big dispute between fans and Bioware over how the game ended vs. how Bioware said it might end with regards to personal input and all that. Some friends of mine won't even touch ME3, even if they loved ME2, because of that mess. I don't care -- I thought the ending as perfect.  The series has never pretended to be anything other than a tragedy: characters can and sometimes do die in every game. So the end was no surprise, even if that doesn't make it less painful.

The end never gets tough until I reach the Forward Operating Base, after Shepard has taken out the Hades cannon and they're getting ready for the final run to the Beam/Citadel.  All those goodbyes...

Shepard can call each of her (I play as a paragon FemShep, for the record) old squadmates from Mass Effect 2, like Samara and Jack, people she's encountered throughout ME3 but never joined her.  All those calls are short and to the point: no elaboration on events or stories, they're mostly just quick "good luck"s and then it's over.  But seeing some of my favorites -- Samara, for example -- again just for a quick moment brings home that this game is over, the trilogy is over, and who knows what's coming next.

Some of the longer conversations are even worse.  Some, like Tali's or Kaiden's, aren't that bad, even as much as I love Tali, and Liara's offer to blend minds one last time can be rough to watch: I teared up a little at that this time through.  Others, though, brought so much more up to the surface.

I didn't have the From Ashes DLC the first time I played, so I didn't have Javik and didn't know what to expect.  Javik made an interesting contribution to the crew in ME3; as the last Prothean, he can be kind of a douchebag with his focus on victory at any cost, but there's compassion mixed in there for him as well.  They're both warriors, but with a weird dynamic: Javik approaches everything ruthlessly whereas my Shepard has more of a heart. My Shepard and he are always getting into fights over the morality of her choices, and I had to break up more than few fights between him and others. By the end though, they respect each other. When he tells Shepard that she's standing for all people who have faced the Reapers, that all souls are watching her... I was destroyed.  The whole conversation was heartbreaking in its sincerity.  (Those writers/voice actors deserves some serious awards).

And EDI.  oh EDI... I know I'm going to kill her, I do every time because that's my final choice for the Reapers, the choice I think Shepard would really make, given the circumstances and the motives of the game: destruction.  And that kills EDI too, since she's an AI (artificial intelligence). When she talks Shepard for helping her feel alive... my heart breaks.  I miss her, every time, and the prospect of having to explain it all to Joker (assuming I live...)...

In a weird way, I am glad that so many of my favorite characters were already dead.  Mass Effect 3 is a tragedy, an intense, talented one that invests you deeply into the characters even when you know they are doomed, and I got sucked in completely.

Thane's death is expected, though the short prayer he gives for Shepard made me weep.  And Mordin... I don't think I would have been so upset to see Mordin go if he hadn't started singing on the way up to the top of the Shroud.  Legion's death for his people provides an honorable way for Tali to come to terms with the geth, and I appreciated that element of her story.

I hate that I can't save during this whole process -- it means I can't go back and re-live Shepard and Garrus's goodbye without playing through the first part of Priority: Earth again (which takes a while).  Their goodbye is one of my favorite moments in the game; I cry every single time. The Shepard-Garrus romance feels so real, so tension-filled and desperate as they fight the end of their worlds.  Garrus is written as a deep, complex character throughout the whole series: Shepard is constantly helping him through moral crises, romanced or not, and each one adds layers to his complicated character.  In that way, he feels real to me.  I've always been drawn to people who have a past, who don't just coast through life without getting deeply, intimately involved in something along the way.  Garrus is like that: he's invested in his life, in his world, and I love that about his character.  Throughout their romance, he and Shepard are trying to find a lighter side, trying to enjoy each other in the face of death and destruction.  Their Citadel date about halfway through ME3 highlights that, especially their shooting contest on the top of the Presidium.
So when they have to say goodbye... I love it, even as I'm crying over how desperate those last few exchanges are, how much they are still trying to stay positive and together.

The last moments of the game.  Shepard looks so pissed, so ready to be over and done with the Reapers, so determined to take them down.  I love it.  

The end of Mass Effect 3 depresses me, and not just because the game's over and I have to say goodbye.  It's just that nothing I do will be ever be on that scale -- no matter what I do with my life, I will never save the galaxy.  I will never be the one to make those kinds of sacrifices.  I can choose to make small ones, if I want to, but the world isn't tailored for me to be Shepard.

I knew this before Mass Effect.  I read a lot, and I play enough games, and so many stories hinge on heroes.  Stories with this kind of scope happen a lot in fiction, and let-downs when they're over happen a lot too.
But something about Mass Effect feels different to me.  Maybe I just love Shepard and her world so much -- maybe I see how my life could be, given that several fundamental things about the world/universe were a little different... I believe I could have her kind of courage and determination, if faced with that situation. If saving the world really did come down to me, I think I could do it.

I love this game.  I don't care what other people think about the ending(s), nor do I waste time analyzing all the tiny flaws that no doubt exist.  That doesn't matter to me.

I will always do all the extra work so Shepard can breathe one last time, in the last moment before the credits role.  I don't want her story to end, in the game or otherwise.

Obviously, no one is forcing me to make that final run.  Only the fate of the galaxy is at stake, after all.  And it's time to take back Earth.

The Thing About Voices

Voices, be they in video games, movies, or TV shows, often present a problem for me.  I fall in and out of love with them on a near-daily basis, a phenomenon I find hard to explain, particularly to my husband.  Benedict Cumberbatch, Steve Valentine (Alistair from Dragon Age), Brandon Keener (Garrus Vakarian from Mass Effect), I love the sound of all of these voices.  And yet, I am not particularly attracted to any of them physically.  That's where the confusion sets in.

Here's the guy who voices Garrus Vakarian, one of my all-time favorite video game characters:

Brandon Keener, from what I've read online, is a generally nice human being.  And he takes a good head shot, I'll give him that. He's been in a lot of stuff, including an episode of Castle with Nathan Fillion.  That combination alone should be a no-brainer nerd-gasm, and yet he just doesn't do it for me.

However, put that voice of his on Garrus....

And I am instantly in love.  I can't help it.  Those deep gravelly undertones are obviously edited in (you can check out some samples of his best lines here), and maybe that makes it perfect.  I can listen to his dialogue over and over and never get bored.  He's an alien, obviously, a turian, who are known for being spiky and scary and supremely unattractive.  It's not that I find Garrus himself, as he's designed, sexy;  it's just the voice they put on him.  Yum.

Alistair, from Dragon Age: Origins, is designed and animated to be totally cute and endearing, and it definitely works.

In a lot of ways, personality-wise, Alistair reminds me of my husband: he's sweet and charming and funny and I totally just want to take him home and snuggle him every time he shows up in the game.  (Or in real life -- my husband, I mean). I think that's part of why I love the character so much.

He's also got the sexiest accent, a kind of Scottish/British combination that is so perfect I find it hard to believe it exists.  Or that this is the guy who produces it:

I mean, sure, he looks friendly and nice, but he is so not what I picture when I hear him talk.  He's had small parts in all sorts of TV shows, from Big Bang Theory to CSI, so there's no shortage of him on YouTube if need be.  But him as Alistair will always be my favorite.

My finding voices attractive becomes a little more complicated when they're attached to actual human beings, instead of just as my beloved video game characters.

Take Benedict Cumberbatch: (Yes, please! But only if he narrates the whole time... ;))

There's really no denying that he is attractive.  But it's his voice that makes him -- his face is just a little too stark and angular (the classic Sherlock Holmes description, hence his casting) for me, and he looks like he weighs about 100 pounds -- like I could snap him with a hug, and I am not exactly a big girl.  Yet every time I get a message and my phone chirps, "I've got a text!" in his voice, I swoon.

Oh, and in Star Trek: Into Darkness?  I could listen to him all day, just letting that voice wash over me. I'm just still not that attracted to him -- the slicked-back hair is sexier, to be sure, lending him a much more "bad boy" quality than is present in Sherlock, but I still wouldn't do him (as if that would ever happen, right).

There are others whose voices I find blindingly attractive: Michael Fassbender comes to mind, as does James McAvoy -- First Class and Days of Future Past are just pure joy for me.  And Fassbender I find to be an incredible actor, to be sure.  But my god, their voices...