Promises and Relief

A year or so ago, I made myself a promise.

I knew I had anxiety at that point - had for almost a year.  Instead of dealing with it, I did something unhealthy.  Not drugs or hurting myself or anything like that -- I just pretended it didn't exist.

I didn't change my exercise habits.
I didn't change my eating.
I didn't go to the doctor.

I just left it alone, as if it would somehow go away by magic.

But in the very back of my mind, where I pretended I hadn't noticed, I made myself a promise:  If I wasn't better in a year -- after changing jobs and some time to adjust -- I would get help.

That point passed almost a month ago.

Two months ago, I stopped sleeping.  It had happened before, here and there -- I'd have a night where I got only 3 hours of sleep, or I'd lay in bed trying to fall asleep for hours.  It wasn't unusual.  But suddenly I was having trouble every night instead of just one or two nights a week.  When I'd stopped sleeping before, the accompanying exhaustion usually cycled into being so tired I couldn't keep my eyes open, making sleep come easily the next night.

Not the case this time -- this time I didn't sleep, or couldn't fall asleep, or couldn't stay asleep, for almost a month.

When my husband insisted, I gave in and called my doctor.

Within a week, I had an appointment, and an hour after arriving, I had a diagnosis:  Mild depression with accompanying anxiety.  My doctor talked with me for a long time before writing me two prescriptions, Ambien to help me sleep, and an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication for my mental health.

It was an overwhelming relief.

I walked out of that office thinking that I should have gone to the doctor years ago.  That I shouldn't have suffered through months of anxiety alone.  That, yes, I could end up on this medication for a year or five or for the rest of my life, but it will be worth it if I can flip off this anxiety/depression switch that I don't know how I turned on in the first place.

It's been a month, and I haven't noticed a ton of change yet.  This medication is a long-term gamble -- it's common for it to take six weeks to be even a little bit effective.  Reviews online suggest that wait is worth it; it has some of the highest reviews for anxiety medication out there, higher than Xanax and Prozac and all the personality-numbing stuff I was afraid I'd be prescribed.  Side effects are mild too -- I had a headache the entire first week I took it, but since then it's been pretty manageable.

I have a week or so before I hit four weeks of taking it, a few more before I get to six and a follow-up with my doctor.  Just because I haven't noticed a change yet doesn't mean it isn't coming.

I remain hopeful it will.

I wasn't expecting to be put on medication.  I walked into that appointment expecting to be told to fix my diet, exercise more, sleep more, and come back to see if that helped.  But if this works, if this helps... if I can sleep again, write again, enjoy myself again... it will be worth it.