The Star Wars Experience

Until very recently (as in, about three days ago), I was not a Star Wars fan. 

I bought tickets for the midnight release of The Force Awakens, don’t get me wrong – I am still a nerd after all, and I can appreciate what Star Wars has done for a plethora of art forms and genres, including science fiction, film-making and CGI, and nerd-dom in general. 

But I’ve never been that big of a fan.  Bishop, however, is a HUGE fan, no surprise there.  So in preparation for The Force Awakens, we decided to watch the original trilogy on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday before we ventured into true nerd-vana for JJ Abrams’ love letter to the series. 

What follows is the account of my adventures.  (Spoiler Alert: If you’ve never seen the original trilogy, this will definitely spoil some things.  I have not yet seen Force Awakens when writing this, so no worries there.) 

Star Wars: A New Hope

Opening Credits

• Boy, the writing in these opening lines does nothing to remove my perception that the writing in these movies sucks. 

The droids get dumped on Tatooine, R2 heading off in one random direction and C3PO cussing at him under his breath

• Hang on… if Anakin built C3PO in the prequels, wouldn’t he recognize the planet?  
• Bishop: Yes.  The prequels ruined everything.  
• But Lucas wrote them all, it’s his world! Wouldn’t he go, “huh, that wouldn’t work with the original, so I guess I won’t do that!” 
• Bishop: NO! He doesn’t rewatch his movies! 
• WTF??  You don’t get to change things AFTER it’s published!

Jawas pick up the droids and toss them in the holding cell in their giant Sand People ship-thing

• Omg! One of the other droids is made from a trash can!

Luke looks out over the twin suns setting on Tatooine

• Oh! This scene is pretty! I’ve seen this before, I think… isn’t Luke looking off into the horizon famous or something?  
• Bishop: Yeah… this is like one of the most famous scenes in movies, ever.  

Obi-wan saves Luke and the droids from the Tuskan Raiders  

• Seriously, he growls at them? 
• Bishop: He’s using noise/the Force to make himself seem bigger! 
• No babe, he f*cking growled at them. Real cool.

Cantina scene

• Based on all the homages (like Hellboy 2’s troll market) and spoofs and such, I was expecting the cantina scene to be much more active and crowded-looking.  The reality was a bit of a letdown. 

The age-old Question: Who shot first, Han or Greedo?

• WAY back when, when I first saw A New Hope (I think I was 19, having somehow missed the first one despite a minor obsession with Empire Strikes Back when I was a kid), I was ADAMANT that Han shot first.  Duh. Greedo is threatening him, and Han’s very much a ‘scoundrel’ who is out for himself.  Makes perfect sense. 
• This scene came up, and eager to be part of the Star Wars nerd-dom, I went “OH! Han shot first!” Yeah, not anymore – Bishop explained that when Lucas remastered the movies for digital release, he re-did this scene so Greedo shot first, saying that he didn’t want Han to be the kind of guy to shoot someone in cold blood.  Um, hello?? That’s EXACTLY the kind of guy Han was at the beginning of the trilogy.  He had character development, growth! Why destroy that by making a pro-active gunshot into self-defense? That changes Han’s whole tone as a character.  Ugh. Lucas ruined everything. 

Chewy makes some noise and Solo says something very conversational in response

• OMG! It really is like in HIMYM! “That’s a good point, bear!”

Also: I recently saw this picture:

So now every time Chewy or R2 ‘says’ something, I go “Oh shit! I mean, beep boop!” while watching J

Grand Moff Tarkin and Vader look out over the Death Star as they find prisoners (or something)

• What do you think the casting call for this guy looked like? “Does your skull show through your face? We want YOU!”

R2 beep-boops at Luke as they put him in the X-wing for the assault on the Death Star

• How do the humans know what he’s saying? What if Luke’s like “Ready, R2?”  and he’s going “Hey, f*ck you, Luke! I don’t wanna go!” 

Vader vs. Obi-wan on the Death Star as Luke and the gang are trying to escape…

• Obi-wan just LETS Vader kill him?? WTF! Bishop tried to convince me that this serves some larger purpose, but I so don’t see it. 

ALSO: What’s up with Luke mooning all over Leia throughout this movie?  I mean, really. He so obviously has a crush on her, and Lucas KNOWS they are siblings! Why on earth would you write it like that?   And I’ve heard the argument that it will make the dramatic reveal that they are siblings that much more dramatic, but guess what? It doesn’t.  That whole addition feels like Lucas was bored anyway, so it’s not exactly dramatic on its own.  Add the whole crush-on-the-Princess situation, and it’s just gross. 

The writing… oh the writing.  About twenty minutes from the end, it clicks.  It’s not that Star Wars’ writing is really that bad – it’s that it is absolutely RIFE with clichés.  I’m pretty sure C3PO is the only character that isn’t constantly spouting them, actually. 

Last thoughts: on the ceremony at the end of A New Hope

• Han’s been dressed like a basic white girl this whole movie, and NOW he decides to button his top button? It’s like he and Luke switched costumes for this scene.  Nonsense.

Star Wars: Empire Strikes Back

In the opening moments, when Luke gets smacked in the face…

• OMG there’s an abominable snowman in this movie!
  Bishop: it’s a wampa!
• No, it’s the abominable snowman. A yeti, if we want to get technical.

Yoda and Luke fight over lifting the X-wing out of the swamp, and Luke storms off. 

• First: I’m already annoyed because I don’t like that Yoda quote about “there is no try.”  That’s such a negative way to look at the world: that if you don’t succeed, you automatically fail.  That’s too black and white! My world (teaching) doesn’t work in black and white like that.  Ugh, Yoda! Stupid puppet. 
• Second: As soon as I mention that Luke’s being a baby, Bishop gets annoyed because I’ve insulted a great Jedi master and questions, “Don’t you think that you’d be annoyed too? This little tiny guy saying all this stuff about how powerful the Force is and all that, but he never demonstrates it! What if he’s lying?”  and it clicks in place why Bishop used to fight with his teachers all the time. 
• Third: Yoda lifts the X-wing from the swamp, and I am thoroughly unimpressed.  It would be much more remarkable if he cleaned it after he pulled it out.  Bishop is again annoyed with my opinion, but it can’t be that hard, right? Just a sweep of his hand and poof! Clean! THEN I’d be impressed. 

By the time we get to Han being frozen, I’ve really called Lando Calrissian a douche a lot….

Han Solo frozen in carbonite… what an iconic scene!

• And what a misogynistic one too! I mean really – Leia puts herself out there, all “I love you” even when Han has been pestering her all movie, and when he’s ABOUT TO DIE, he just goes, “I know.” And that’s the END OF IT?? WTF?!
• Grumble grumble grumble.
• AND that’s after Leia is such a great female character too! She’s badass and functional and doesn’t NEED Han to really do anything for her.  But she has to be the traditional woman here, all feelings while the guy is like “yeah, that’s right, love me baby”?? Ugh.

All in all, I have less to say about Empire.  As a kid, I always liked Empire better than Return of the Jedi, and I’m pleased to see that holds true even now.  It’s also much better than A New Hope – the writing is better, and the universe is established, which makes everything a little easier.  Bishop and I kept having to pause and have long conversations about the political atmosphere of the galaxy in the first one because they barely explained anything (and of course, the prequels screwed a lot of it up), but by now, everything has really fallen into place. 

I would also like to point out that it took those political conversations during A New Hope for it to click that Star Wars really is nerdy.  It’s easy to assume that, even though people jump to it as the quintessential nerd obsession, it’s not really that nerdy.  After all, it’s pretty mainstream and tons of people have seen it/are fans of it even if they fit little else of nerd culture. 

And then Bishop and I got sidetracked for a good 15 minutes analyzing how the Republic vs. the Empire functions and how Palpatine/Sidious rose to power and all that, and I went, “I bet few non-nerds are talking about Star Wars on this level.” 

I’m now convinced: Star Wars truly is nerdy, regardless of persuasion. 

Anyway, on to Return of the Jedi!

Star Wars: Return of the Jedi

It sure didn’t take long for this movie to get weird…

The droids drop onto Tatooine (for what has to be like the 10^th time in C3PO’s life, though he seems just as confused as always) and head to Jabba’s palace…

• And immediately… why the fuck is Bib Fortuna molesting R2??
• And WTF is up with the weird CGI musical number?  Bishop said it was added with the remaster, but I’m so confused as to why.  First of all, the CGI is REALLY obvious, especially when it’s next to Jabba and his Jim Henson-nightmare pet, both of which are puppets.  The puppet thing has always been one of the coolest parts of Star Wars since it makes everything look real instead of computer-generated, and now with this song/dance thing… ugh.  Second, this song doesn’t seem to serve any purpose! There’s an old trope about movies (and plays, and anything else in that genre) that says that all lines, props, actions, etc., must serve to advance the plot.  The gun on the mantle in Act 1 must be used by Act 3, right?  Well, this scene sure doesn’t do that, and I just don’t get it. 

Boba Fett has like 10 lines…

• I never realized this.  I assumed, based on the fan love for him, that he was a major character.  Guess not. 
• Also, the mystery of Boba Fett = just one more thing the prequels ruined. 

Leia shows up, Chewy in cuffs, to rescue Han Solo!

• Ok, the “I love you”-“I know” moment is totally redeemed by this scene.  Leia is such a badass J and of course the subversion of the “rescue the girl” trope by her bailing Solo out of Jabba’s palace is beautiful.
• … until that curtain pulls back to reveal Jabba and his cronies in all their disgusting glory. Worst surprise party ever.

The drive across Tatooine and the sarlacc pit

• Oh the green screen fun of those ships flying over the sand!  All the things they digitally touched up, and they didn’t go back and pull the green from Chewy’s hair or around Solo’s ears? Dumb.
• Solo’s take-down of Boba Fett is so slap-stick! It’s like watching an old Three Stooges movie. Ugh.
• Also, when did the sarlacc grow a beak?

Back on Dagoba…

• So the conversation between Luke and Obi-wan about Vader, where Obi-wan keeps saying things about a ‘certain point of view,’ is basically just him going “Well, TECHNICALLY I didn’t lie when I said your father was dead…”  I mean, I get it, it would be hard for a kid to find out that not only was he abandoned, but his father is one of the most evil figures in the galaxy.  But nonetheless! Own up to your damn lie, Obi-wan.  Your intentions were good, but now you’re busted.  Own it. 

Endor and the Ewoks.

• Can we talk about the Ewoks for a second?  They are not cute at all.  Like, AT ALL.  They are in fact terrifying.  And they are all played by midgets! What a politically incorrect casting call that must have been… Come on, Lucas!
• And why is everyone in camo EXCEPT the super shiny droids? Because that makes sense.
• Also: as my dad pointed out, every indigenous, ‘prehistoric’-esque culture on the planet has been wiped out when the next level of technological weapons shows up… Native Americans vs. Europeans, Aztecs vs. Cortez, Aborigines vs. the English penal colonies… and yet some stuffed teddy bears throwing rocks and spears wipe out highly trained soldiers?  I get it, the Storm Troopers can’t aim to save their lives (ha!), but seriously?
• The battle on Endor is, frankly, just as dumb as advertised.

The Jedi reassemble from the spirit world…

• … and they have digitally inserted Hayden Christensen, and HE STILL CAN’T ACT! He just smiles creepily at the camera, and I’m just assuming it’s a smile from context clues, as his face doesn’t actually move. 

Verdict: I enjoyed the Star Wars trilogy more this time around than I ever have before, criticisms or no.  Let’s roll those opening credits for Force Awakens and take the next, hopefully awesome, leap into the galaxy.